If I were to be completely transparent with a person, without trying to sugarcoat anything or respond with a quick "I'm doing fine" so I don't have to think of the right words on the spot, this is what I would say...
I am struggling. Where do I even start? I have been shy and reserved my entire life, for no reason other than my own selfishness and pride. Some of it comes from my parents, I'm sure, seeing as they're both rather reserved people and have never been super involved with the church or community, especially my dad. It's hard not to blame them (mostly my dad) for the way I am now. I'm acting as if there's nothing good about me now and as if I haven't grown at all or learned anything. That is not true, of course. I have come a long way since graduating high school. I should reflect on that more and be more proud of that. But probably for the last year or so, it feels like things have plummeted. Life isn't bad, but I've known for a long time that it wasn't good. Last year I came out of a season that was wild and challenging and crazy, yet so good. God showed me a lot, and I am so grateful for it. But I'll tell you what, since coming out of that season and even throughout that season, I have not walked closely with the Lord. It frustrates me and leads me to a place of resentment towards myself and even towards others and circumstances in my life. My heart is not in a good place. When I'm spending time with the Lord, I can come to a place of feeling like I'm in alignment with Him, which is wonderful, but once I close my Bible and go about my day, it's as if I throw all of that aside and my heart just wanders anywhere BUT where it belongs.
About a year ago, I was traveling with a couple friends in Los Angeles. These friends are both a part of the Pentecostal church, whereas I consider myself to be very much non-denominational. I loved traveling with them, but I found my heart frowning as they spoke about things like giving prophetic words and recognizing signs and images from God. I am a skeptical person, to say the least. I try to be open and understanding to new things, but generally, I think because of how I was raised, I can be pretty skeptical and resistant to unfamiliar ideas. As my friends spoke about prophetic words they were receiving from the Lord and as they worshiped passionately to songs I didn't know at a church we visited in Beverly Hills, I stood there with my mouth shut and my arms crossed, thinking the entire time about how I was in an unfamiliar environment surrounded by rich Instagram millennials, I didn't know any of the songs they were singing, and how my friends felt differently about God than I did and I was worried and frustrated about how they could be wrong, or worse, I could be wrong. That idea made me uncomfortable, and when I'm uncomfortable, I become stubborn and rigid. Obviously not good. Not the direction I'm meant to go in.
I have felt sort of like this throughout the past year. There have been ups and downs, but I feel a lot of disappointment and weariness. Once I started school at Texas State, I almost immediately got plugged into a college ministry. Thanks to God, I had already met a girl from the group the previous spring, so I already had a connection and jumping in wasn't quite as scary. It was great that I found this group so quickly and I have stuck with them over the past year. I'm grateful to have this group in my life because I don't know how much worse I would feel if I hadn't found a Christian group in my first year at the biggest secular school I've ever attended. I have met some wonderful people, and I definitely plan to stick with them until I graduate. However, despite my gratefulness for this group, I reflect on my time with them and I still feel so distant. I'm not PLUGGED IN. I wish I was, but this feeling of standing in the corner or having one foot in and one foot out is a feeling I have dealt with for basically my entire life. I don't really know how to change that. It feels like being standoffish and not totally getting involved is just part of who I am. This cannot be true, I know, but how can I escape this mindset when it has been chasing me my whole life? Do I have this feeling because this is also how my dad has felt his whole life and he unintentionally taught me that this is always how it's going to be and nothing will change? Just a theory. Living with him certainly doesn't help my personal growth. I know I shouldn't use him as an excuse because he takes care of himself and I take care of myself, but his negative attitude towards circumstances and himself are not pleasant to be around. As I see his negative attitude, I think "Is this what I grew up with? Is this the man who raised me? Is this why I deal with negativity, fear and doubt in my own life?" And I become angry and bitter. I think, "I bet I wouldn't be this way if he had led me down a path of faith and fearlessness instead of skepticism and reservedness". Don't get me wrong; my dad is a good dad and he raised me and my siblings well. But I can't say I'm not disappointed. Yes, the past is in the past, except I've been having to live in the same house as him and now that I'm older and have grown and been exposed to bigger and better things, living once again under my dad's roof has been rough. It has been a blessing in so many ways, but many times I find myself wishing I didn't have to be around him like this.
It's not all my dad's fault. Even if I feel that way sometimes, I don't think that's true. The choices we make are up to us, no? So ultimately it comes down to me (although I definitely believe that the environment you're in and the people you surround yourself with totally affects where you're going in life). But so often it feels nearly impossible to control the way I think or how I react to things. With everything going on lately-- COVID-19, Black Lives Matter, increased political tension, and some relational issues in my personal life-- I think I have become more selfish, angry, apathetic, quick to judge, and quick to shut off because I'd rather not deal with conflict (that'll be the Type 9 in me). It's so ironic, seeing as I have been reading the Bible every day for about a month now and I have been yearning for more time and connection with my Heavenly Father. I have grown closer to Him and learned a lot that I knew in the past but forgot about. This is all so great, except I find myself doing the opposite of what the Lord commands of me when I go about my day. What!? I have this image in my head of me having a sit-down with my heart and saying "Girl... WHAT do you think you're doing??" As Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; we are ALL sinners, so it really shouldn't come as a shock to me that I am doing sinful things. It just makes me sad, and mad, because though I know I prayed for a good attitude and the heart of a servant during my shift at work, I think unkind thoughts about some of the customers-- thoughts they don't deserve and certainly not thoughts that Jesus would ever think about His beloved children. And when the barista at the coffee shop takes 10 minutes to make a $6 smoothie that doesn't even taste good, I walk away thinking "What the heck!? I can't believe this happened!", while there are people in third-world countries who would praise God for that smoothie. I am also angered that I'm doing these things because lately I have been hearing some Christians talking about how Christians are the last people to step up and show love when we are supposed to be the first. It's heartbreaking, and I hate finding myself to be a part of that problem. And when I know I'm doing something wrong, I tend to curl up in a corner and have a "leave me alone" or "la la la I'm not listening" attitude, like I did when I was a child. What a selfish and childish thing to do! If I respond to conviction like this; if I respond to the possibility that I may be wrong like this, then where is that gonna get me?
This attitude I've been dealing with has prevented me from being open to so many things, like serving at my church, asking friends for coffee, offering my services to friends or strangers, and the possibility of being a leader through the college ministry or school. All I can say that I'm a work in progress. It doesn't feel good right now and I don't even know what God is doing, but I pray that I will grow in trust and faith in Him. Lord Jesus, I'm gonna need you to break down these walls and tear the control out of my hands. If I want to see transformation happen in my life, then I need to allow that to be a possibility. God's not gonna work with me unless I let Him.
Friends, please pray for the resistance, fear and doubt in my life to be vanquished by the almighty hand of the Father. Even as I pray this, I feed into the lie that it cannot be done.
Sunday, July 12, 2020
Monday, June 15, 2020
Where I'm At
Well hello there! Boy oh boy, do I have a lot to talk about. If you're reading this, you'll know that the world is dealing with the COVID-19 Pandemic as well as a new Black Lives Matter movement in the time that I'm writing this. It's all so overwhelming... I could get into how I feel about everything (though I'm still not even sure how I do feel about everything), but I just want to talk about where I'm at personally right now.
Last August, I started my third year of college but my first year at Texas State University. It's been a good experience and I'm grateful for the ability to go there and learn from good people. I have a couple complaints, like it is HOT, especially in the fall, so who knows how many buckets of sweat I have sweated walking around on campus, or even just walking to my car. It can be brutal. My other complaint is that I thought I dodged the "freshman fifteen", but alas, I did not. It caught up with me in my junior year. I went to a community college in San Antonio for my first two years of college so I was living with my aunt and uncle and buying my own food. Like any college student, I would sometimes resort to a quick stop at McDonald's, get a couple boxes of Kraft mac n' cheese from the store, or munch on pretzels in the middle of the night, but I learned valuable things about taking care of my body and getting healthy things from the store. Now, I'm living with my parents so I just eat the food they get, and there are lots of food options on campus. The dining halls are danger zones! I have no idea what limiting my food intake means once I step through that door. So I am now around 10-15 lbs. heavier than I was last summer. I've got a gut and a butt, guys! Not that I haven't had those my entire life, but I was on my way to feeling and looking healthier. Oh well. This is a bump in the road. We can move forward from here.
Since the pandemic really blew up and since we were all asked to stay home and distance ourselves from other people (which was and still is overkill, if you ask me), life has definitely been different. It was great not having to use up a bunch of gas to go to school or work for the rest of the semester and it was great just being able to stay home and get things done that I couldn't have gotten done otherwise. I think it was very nice for the first couple of months. I didn't have as much structure to each day, but I still had the responsibility of doing my classes online which kept me on the right track and allowed me to still consistently learn.
Here are some good things that happened: My mom and I planted wildflower seeds in the backyard which have now grown far taller than we thought they'd grow (and they still haven't bloomed!). I got a new little potted plant in my room that I named Cheshire. He's a lovely chap and he lives by my window. My mom and I also baked a lot. We made homemade sourdough for the first time ever. Yummy! Besides the art I had to do for my art class, I practiced some digital art which was really fun! I found some fascinating podcasts to listen to. I re-watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy, which was a beautiful experience, and soon after that I finally read The Fellowship of the Ring! It was a lovely experience, especially the times when I sat in my reading corner or on my bed and turned on the soundtrack to the Lord of the Rings movies to play while I read (it really completes the experience). I retrieved my copy of The Two Towers while I was visiting family last week, so I hope to be starting that soon. My plan was to read a bunch during this time, but of course that didn't work out. Phooey.
So, there have been quite a few good things that have come out of being in "quarantine", as we like to call it, even though we're not really in quarantine. However, it has been negative in some ways, too. As an introvert, not having to be around people is wonderful. But, after a while, it takes a toll. Even for a shy person like me, I know how vital community and social interaction is. Without it, we can easily lose our way, become lonely, and have no one to help us and hold us accountable. If I'm being honest, I was struggling with this even before this whole pandemic. Things are different at Texas State. I plugged myself into a college ministry and a women's community group which I'm grateful for, but I have found myself struggling no matter what. Outside of the college ministry, small groups in classes, people I work with in the theatre shops, and friends, I talk to nobody. I keep to myself. There are times when I'm eating lunch with a friend or we're walking to class together, but most of the time I'm taking the bus around campus by myself, getting a bite to eat by myself, and waiting out in the hall for class to start by myself. I think this has possibly made me more apathetic, anti-social and introspective. I don't really mind being around people, and it's usually fine if someone starts talking to me, but I think I prefer to just be by myself. I have fallen deeper into this mindset since quarantine started. I think, unless I'm just convincing myself that there's something wrong with me when there really isn't, that I have become more socially anxious and awkward, and increasingly anti-social. My space bubble has probably also expanded. What has also made me feel more this way is the conflict going on in the world. It makes me angry, worried, and scared. I just don't really want to deal with things, especially not people, especially if they feel very differently or more passionately than I do. It's intense, and it's getting me down. On top of this, I have been quite unmotivated since school ended a few weeks ago, and I have nothing planned for this summer besides one class in July and a potential trip to Hawaii in August (yay!). So where am I in life right now? I feel like fat Thor from Avengers: Endgame.
Yep, that's me. Lazy, fat, sad, unmotivated, and apathetic. Today I was planning on finally doing a workout, and I'm still planning on it, but I have not been feeling too well this afternoon. Energy level: zero. Motivation level: zero. The stomach pain and headaches decided that this was their day. Oof. But here's the good news: I'm having a video chat with a counselor recommended to me by one of my good friends later this evening. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure it will be good. To anybody who may be reading this: Please pray for me. Life is pretty weird right now and I just hope I can work to get on top of things and learn to live each day joyfully, which is hard to do right now. Everyone needs a lot of prayer right now.
Last August, I started my third year of college but my first year at Texas State University. It's been a good experience and I'm grateful for the ability to go there and learn from good people. I have a couple complaints, like it is HOT, especially in the fall, so who knows how many buckets of sweat I have sweated walking around on campus, or even just walking to my car. It can be brutal. My other complaint is that I thought I dodged the "freshman fifteen", but alas, I did not. It caught up with me in my junior year. I went to a community college in San Antonio for my first two years of college so I was living with my aunt and uncle and buying my own food. Like any college student, I would sometimes resort to a quick stop at McDonald's, get a couple boxes of Kraft mac n' cheese from the store, or munch on pretzels in the middle of the night, but I learned valuable things about taking care of my body and getting healthy things from the store. Now, I'm living with my parents so I just eat the food they get, and there are lots of food options on campus. The dining halls are danger zones! I have no idea what limiting my food intake means once I step through that door. So I am now around 10-15 lbs. heavier than I was last summer. I've got a gut and a butt, guys! Not that I haven't had those my entire life, but I was on my way to feeling and looking healthier. Oh well. This is a bump in the road. We can move forward from here.
Since the pandemic really blew up and since we were all asked to stay home and distance ourselves from other people (which was and still is overkill, if you ask me), life has definitely been different. It was great not having to use up a bunch of gas to go to school or work for the rest of the semester and it was great just being able to stay home and get things done that I couldn't have gotten done otherwise. I think it was very nice for the first couple of months. I didn't have as much structure to each day, but I still had the responsibility of doing my classes online which kept me on the right track and allowed me to still consistently learn.
Here are some good things that happened: My mom and I planted wildflower seeds in the backyard which have now grown far taller than we thought they'd grow (and they still haven't bloomed!). I got a new little potted plant in my room that I named Cheshire. He's a lovely chap and he lives by my window. My mom and I also baked a lot. We made homemade sourdough for the first time ever. Yummy! Besides the art I had to do for my art class, I practiced some digital art which was really fun! I found some fascinating podcasts to listen to. I re-watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy, which was a beautiful experience, and soon after that I finally read The Fellowship of the Ring! It was a lovely experience, especially the times when I sat in my reading corner or on my bed and turned on the soundtrack to the Lord of the Rings movies to play while I read (it really completes the experience). I retrieved my copy of The Two Towers while I was visiting family last week, so I hope to be starting that soon. My plan was to read a bunch during this time, but of course that didn't work out. Phooey.
So, there have been quite a few good things that have come out of being in "quarantine", as we like to call it, even though we're not really in quarantine. However, it has been negative in some ways, too. As an introvert, not having to be around people is wonderful. But, after a while, it takes a toll. Even for a shy person like me, I know how vital community and social interaction is. Without it, we can easily lose our way, become lonely, and have no one to help us and hold us accountable. If I'm being honest, I was struggling with this even before this whole pandemic. Things are different at Texas State. I plugged myself into a college ministry and a women's community group which I'm grateful for, but I have found myself struggling no matter what. Outside of the college ministry, small groups in classes, people I work with in the theatre shops, and friends, I talk to nobody. I keep to myself. There are times when I'm eating lunch with a friend or we're walking to class together, but most of the time I'm taking the bus around campus by myself, getting a bite to eat by myself, and waiting out in the hall for class to start by myself. I think this has possibly made me more apathetic, anti-social and introspective. I don't really mind being around people, and it's usually fine if someone starts talking to me, but I think I prefer to just be by myself. I have fallen deeper into this mindset since quarantine started. I think, unless I'm just convincing myself that there's something wrong with me when there really isn't, that I have become more socially anxious and awkward, and increasingly anti-social. My space bubble has probably also expanded. What has also made me feel more this way is the conflict going on in the world. It makes me angry, worried, and scared. I just don't really want to deal with things, especially not people, especially if they feel very differently or more passionately than I do. It's intense, and it's getting me down. On top of this, I have been quite unmotivated since school ended a few weeks ago, and I have nothing planned for this summer besides one class in July and a potential trip to Hawaii in August (yay!). So where am I in life right now? I feel like fat Thor from Avengers: Endgame.
Yep, that's me. Lazy, fat, sad, unmotivated, and apathetic. Today I was planning on finally doing a workout, and I'm still planning on it, but I have not been feeling too well this afternoon. Energy level: zero. Motivation level: zero. The stomach pain and headaches decided that this was their day. Oof. But here's the good news: I'm having a video chat with a counselor recommended to me by one of my good friends later this evening. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure it will be good. To anybody who may be reading this: Please pray for me. Life is pretty weird right now and I just hope I can work to get on top of things and learn to live each day joyfully, which is hard to do right now. Everyone needs a lot of prayer right now.
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Transformation and New Challenges
It has been a whopping nine months since I last posted, and many, many things have happened that I could write about. I will try to make it as concise as I can!
Looking back, I can see how God has worked in my life in the past year alone. The season of my life last year was a season of weakness, pain and emptiness. I don't know why and how it began, or why and how it suddenly ended, but it sure was an unpleasant season. The amazing thing is that the empty feeling was miraculously gone one day in June, and the rest of the summer, although a little slow, lonely and tedious, was a season of healing. I felt like I could breathe more, and things were going to be fine. I visited Colorado in August and went to a women's retreat at Ravencrest in Estes Park, and I can't even tell you how refreshing and revitalizing that experience was. I found so much peace and joy, thank the Lord! A week or so later, I got together with my Colorado Fam. The cat was let out of the bag that I was interested in one of them, so now they all know except for him. The dangerous thing is that these people are a bunch of matchmakers, and they have given their approval of me and this guy getting together someday. Oh boy, I'm in trouble. What I found that night, however, is I really don't look at this guy as more than a friend, but he's a real pleasant guy and I still totally have my eye on him. Wink.
I came back to San Antonio, started my second year of school, and things have changed so much since then. By God's grace, I went through a process of hurt and healing that ended in a much-needed retreat with Jesus that gave me the boost I needed to start the next chapter. I thank God for everything that happened next. He is SO good.
I began my first ever acting class, which obviously I dreaded at first, but I grew and stretched and saw fears that I've held onto for my whole life disappear into the wind. I got to be the spotlight/projection op for Newsies at the theater I work at, and I still feel like it's exactly what I needed at that time, thank God. I got to be a part of this incredible, amazing, fun show, but I didn't have to deal with the pressures of working backstage. I love working backstage, but now I think that so much of the pain I dealt with before came from doing just that because it wasn't what I needed and it was too hard on me for a few different reasons, but especially socially. When working on Newsies, I didn't have to feel the pressure of trying to have fun and fit in backstage, even if I wanted to be around all the actors. That's something I was struggling with so much, but God orchestrated things so I would be placed a safe distance away from that pain and pressure, literally. I still got to work on the show, but from up in the tech booth with the stage manager and light board op. I got to see this wonderful work of art that I loved so much, and I had the freedom and ease to approach some of the cast, introduce myself, and have joy in the fact that we simply got to meet. One person in particular played a large part in all of this and has left a mark on my life, though he probably doesn't realize it. He was one of the actors in the show, and to my delight, he turned out to be a mutual friend that one of my dearest friends told me about a couple years prior. It's a small world! And to make it better, I discovered that he is a hardcore Disney fan, an insanely talented guy, is actually Peter Pan, and most of all loves Jesus with his life! We never got to know each other very well, but to this day I admire him so much and he serves as an inspiration to me as a brother in Christ in the arts. Thank you God so much for this person you placed in my life! While doing Newsies, I grew closer to Jesus in ways that taught me that I receive my strength from Christ alone, and I don't have to be afraid anymore because the hope, freedom and joy of the Lord is right in front of me! Hallelujah!
After Newsies, I took on the challenge of being Assistant Stage Manager for a show at school in which a TV/movie actor played the main character! So cool, and a good experience! Thanksgiving came around, and by that time, I felt happier, more confident, freer to be me, and more excited to be with my classmates, who kindly included me in their Friendsgiving dinner. To be honest, I was pretty skeptical and a little judgy of them during my first year at the school, but the good Lord Jesus opened my eyes to see that I could find a family in them. I am so grateful and it means so much to me.
After that, I decided to make myself available to be one of the stage managers for the school's giant production of Oliver!. Again, by God's grace, I was able to stage manage alongside one of my dear friends, and there isn't anyone better that I could have done it with. It was an interesting and informative experience, to say the least. Things got intense during the last few weeks of rehearsals. I had turned into this super forgetful and scatterbrained person, and I had a couple pretty bad emotional/mental breakdowns in my car. It's all part of the job, let's be honest. I am so grateful that I had that experience, however, because it forced me to step forward as a leader and speak up. At the beginning, I had to think about what I was gonna say and how I was gonna say it before I said it, or I just wouldn't say anything at all. By the end, if something needed to be done, I'd say "GET ON IT". I still struggle with being nervous about speaking up, but this experience helped me a lot and is something I will forever be grateful for. During that time, I had continued on into the Acting 2 class. There's no doubt that acting still makes me uncomfortable and I have no desire to pursue it further, but I'm grateful because being in those classes has allowed me to learn and grow in the ways of art and performance while also experiencing other things that have taught and challenged me.
By now, I have worked with and encountered so many talented artists and performers that I'm used to it. When I had started, I didn't know how to handle it all; I was surely overwhelmed. But now, I know who I am, I know my value, I know what I can bring, and I know that it's okay to be me and no one else. That has allowed me to approach people more confidently and appreciate and celebrate their extraordinary talents while being happy to be me. I have learned to be more comfortable around these professionals, but I do not take any of this for granted. I remind myself of where I started before I got here, and where I am now. It makes me so proud and happy. Proud of myself, that I got to a place I never thought I'd be, but NONE of it would have ever happened were it not for God's great provision and faithfulness.
That brings me to the next topic. Three words: Million. Dollar. Quartet. I had looked forward to this show pretty much since it was announced. I had never seen it so I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but WOW did it exceed all expectations!! I ended up seeing the show four times, naming myself MDQ's #1 fangirl, and inadvertently becoming a groupie. The best part of all of this though, is that Elvis and I are pals now (I will not be using his real name for privacy reasons). Here's what happened: I saw it the first time during the staff preview. I saw it the second time on opening night and stayed for the reception. I pushed myself to go to each cast member and tell them how great they were, and it was so worth it! I had ended up sitting in an isolated seat in the front row that evening, so they noticed me and recognized me later at the reception, leading some of them to talk to me. Ah! Yay! One of these fine gentlemen that talked to me was the very talented actor who played Elvis Presley. We had a short conversation, and it was very nice. Later that night he friended me on Facebook and expressed interest in hanging out. Uh, WOW. I let it sit for a couple weeks because I wasn't sure what the best thing to do was, but then the opportunity arose to go to an MDQ event at a bar to see them perform and to socialize with them. PERFECT! (Sidenote: I've always wanted the opportunity to just talk a while and maybe even hang out with some of the actors at this theater without being shy or weird, and the opportunity never really came until Elvis showed up). So I went to this event, it being my very first time at a bar, and I'm happy that my first time was with the people that were there because one of my dear, sweet friends who I adore very much so graciously got a club soda for me. It really was a fun experience. I got to socialize a bit with a few different people, but Elvis and I ended up talking for I don't know how long. It was quite a while. It was an opportunity that I didn't think would come my way, but it did! I saw him a couple more times after that, and by the time he left, I felt that we had become buds. Now we have each other's number and we've shot each other a few little texts. Don't mind me, I'm just over here laughing and being over-excited about ending up with Elvis' number and knowing that we probably like each other (though it's truthfully not something I can pursue any further for multiple reasons). This is hopefully going to stay at a friendly distance, whatever this is. But I'm sure glad I was able to experience this whirlwind of Million Dollar Quartet craziness! It's funny what life brings your way sometimes, and I thank God that I was able to enjoy all of it, but I better not dwell on it too much.
So now it's about a month away from graduation, and that means saying goodbye to my school, some of the friends I've met, moving out of my aunt and uncle's house, and leaving the beloved theater that I call home and the wonderful people there. That's what's going to hurt the most, because I have learned, grown, and loved there the most. That theater has become such a large part of my life, and a piece of my heart will always stay there. It's all incredibly bittersweet and I may be a sobbing mess later on... I won't be moving very far away so this isn't goodbye forever, but I think I'm ready to see what's next. Wow, it has been a journey. Thank you, Jesus.
Looking back, I can see how God has worked in my life in the past year alone. The season of my life last year was a season of weakness, pain and emptiness. I don't know why and how it began, or why and how it suddenly ended, but it sure was an unpleasant season. The amazing thing is that the empty feeling was miraculously gone one day in June, and the rest of the summer, although a little slow, lonely and tedious, was a season of healing. I felt like I could breathe more, and things were going to be fine. I visited Colorado in August and went to a women's retreat at Ravencrest in Estes Park, and I can't even tell you how refreshing and revitalizing that experience was. I found so much peace and joy, thank the Lord! A week or so later, I got together with my Colorado Fam. The cat was let out of the bag that I was interested in one of them, so now they all know except for him. The dangerous thing is that these people are a bunch of matchmakers, and they have given their approval of me and this guy getting together someday. Oh boy, I'm in trouble. What I found that night, however, is I really don't look at this guy as more than a friend, but he's a real pleasant guy and I still totally have my eye on him. Wink.
I came back to San Antonio, started my second year of school, and things have changed so much since then. By God's grace, I went through a process of hurt and healing that ended in a much-needed retreat with Jesus that gave me the boost I needed to start the next chapter. I thank God for everything that happened next. He is SO good.
I began my first ever acting class, which obviously I dreaded at first, but I grew and stretched and saw fears that I've held onto for my whole life disappear into the wind. I got to be the spotlight/projection op for Newsies at the theater I work at, and I still feel like it's exactly what I needed at that time, thank God. I got to be a part of this incredible, amazing, fun show, but I didn't have to deal with the pressures of working backstage. I love working backstage, but now I think that so much of the pain I dealt with before came from doing just that because it wasn't what I needed and it was too hard on me for a few different reasons, but especially socially. When working on Newsies, I didn't have to feel the pressure of trying to have fun and fit in backstage, even if I wanted to be around all the actors. That's something I was struggling with so much, but God orchestrated things so I would be placed a safe distance away from that pain and pressure, literally. I still got to work on the show, but from up in the tech booth with the stage manager and light board op. I got to see this wonderful work of art that I loved so much, and I had the freedom and ease to approach some of the cast, introduce myself, and have joy in the fact that we simply got to meet. One person in particular played a large part in all of this and has left a mark on my life, though he probably doesn't realize it. He was one of the actors in the show, and to my delight, he turned out to be a mutual friend that one of my dearest friends told me about a couple years prior. It's a small world! And to make it better, I discovered that he is a hardcore Disney fan, an insanely talented guy, is actually Peter Pan, and most of all loves Jesus with his life! We never got to know each other very well, but to this day I admire him so much and he serves as an inspiration to me as a brother in Christ in the arts. Thank you God so much for this person you placed in my life! While doing Newsies, I grew closer to Jesus in ways that taught me that I receive my strength from Christ alone, and I don't have to be afraid anymore because the hope, freedom and joy of the Lord is right in front of me! Hallelujah!
After Newsies, I took on the challenge of being Assistant Stage Manager for a show at school in which a TV/movie actor played the main character! So cool, and a good experience! Thanksgiving came around, and by that time, I felt happier, more confident, freer to be me, and more excited to be with my classmates, who kindly included me in their Friendsgiving dinner. To be honest, I was pretty skeptical and a little judgy of them during my first year at the school, but the good Lord Jesus opened my eyes to see that I could find a family in them. I am so grateful and it means so much to me.
After that, I decided to make myself available to be one of the stage managers for the school's giant production of Oliver!. Again, by God's grace, I was able to stage manage alongside one of my dear friends, and there isn't anyone better that I could have done it with. It was an interesting and informative experience, to say the least. Things got intense during the last few weeks of rehearsals. I had turned into this super forgetful and scatterbrained person, and I had a couple pretty bad emotional/mental breakdowns in my car. It's all part of the job, let's be honest. I am so grateful that I had that experience, however, because it forced me to step forward as a leader and speak up. At the beginning, I had to think about what I was gonna say and how I was gonna say it before I said it, or I just wouldn't say anything at all. By the end, if something needed to be done, I'd say "GET ON IT". I still struggle with being nervous about speaking up, but this experience helped me a lot and is something I will forever be grateful for. During that time, I had continued on into the Acting 2 class. There's no doubt that acting still makes me uncomfortable and I have no desire to pursue it further, but I'm grateful because being in those classes has allowed me to learn and grow in the ways of art and performance while also experiencing other things that have taught and challenged me.
By now, I have worked with and encountered so many talented artists and performers that I'm used to it. When I had started, I didn't know how to handle it all; I was surely overwhelmed. But now, I know who I am, I know my value, I know what I can bring, and I know that it's okay to be me and no one else. That has allowed me to approach people more confidently and appreciate and celebrate their extraordinary talents while being happy to be me. I have learned to be more comfortable around these professionals, but I do not take any of this for granted. I remind myself of where I started before I got here, and where I am now. It makes me so proud and happy. Proud of myself, that I got to a place I never thought I'd be, but NONE of it would have ever happened were it not for God's great provision and faithfulness.
That brings me to the next topic. Three words: Million. Dollar. Quartet. I had looked forward to this show pretty much since it was announced. I had never seen it so I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but WOW did it exceed all expectations!! I ended up seeing the show four times, naming myself MDQ's #1 fangirl, and inadvertently becoming a groupie. The best part of all of this though, is that Elvis and I are pals now (I will not be using his real name for privacy reasons). Here's what happened: I saw it the first time during the staff preview. I saw it the second time on opening night and stayed for the reception. I pushed myself to go to each cast member and tell them how great they were, and it was so worth it! I had ended up sitting in an isolated seat in the front row that evening, so they noticed me and recognized me later at the reception, leading some of them to talk to me. Ah! Yay! One of these fine gentlemen that talked to me was the very talented actor who played Elvis Presley. We had a short conversation, and it was very nice. Later that night he friended me on Facebook and expressed interest in hanging out. Uh, WOW. I let it sit for a couple weeks because I wasn't sure what the best thing to do was, but then the opportunity arose to go to an MDQ event at a bar to see them perform and to socialize with them. PERFECT! (Sidenote: I've always wanted the opportunity to just talk a while and maybe even hang out with some of the actors at this theater without being shy or weird, and the opportunity never really came until Elvis showed up). So I went to this event, it being my very first time at a bar, and I'm happy that my first time was with the people that were there because one of my dear, sweet friends who I adore very much so graciously got a club soda for me. It really was a fun experience. I got to socialize a bit with a few different people, but Elvis and I ended up talking for I don't know how long. It was quite a while. It was an opportunity that I didn't think would come my way, but it did! I saw him a couple more times after that, and by the time he left, I felt that we had become buds. Now we have each other's number and we've shot each other a few little texts. Don't mind me, I'm just over here laughing and being over-excited about ending up with Elvis' number and knowing that we probably like each other (though it's truthfully not something I can pursue any further for multiple reasons). This is hopefully going to stay at a friendly distance, whatever this is. But I'm sure glad I was able to experience this whirlwind of Million Dollar Quartet craziness! It's funny what life brings your way sometimes, and I thank God that I was able to enjoy all of it, but I better not dwell on it too much.
So now it's about a month away from graduation, and that means saying goodbye to my school, some of the friends I've met, moving out of my aunt and uncle's house, and leaving the beloved theater that I call home and the wonderful people there. That's what's going to hurt the most, because I have learned, grown, and loved there the most. That theater has become such a large part of my life, and a piece of my heart will always stay there. It's all incredibly bittersweet and I may be a sobbing mess later on... I won't be moving very far away so this isn't goodbye forever, but I think I'm ready to see what's next. Wow, it has been a journey. Thank you, Jesus.
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
30-Day Challenge Update #3: Restless
I'm doing well. I'm following these challenges better than I've followed any challenge in my life. Praise God! There have been a couple slip-ups where I manage my time badly or end up skipping a day (but making it up the next day), but I have been sticking to it quite well. Yay me! As I get deeper into the month, I'm feeling better about myself, my relationship with God, and my life. However, I find myself SUPER distracted by what the future holds and the thought of returning to my loved ones in my beloved home state in less than three weeks now. I'm ecstatic! I can barely contain my joy, honestly. I'm so restless and distracted though that it's hard to focus on what I need to be focusing on right now, like school and work. At this point I'm just trying to get through them quickly but still work hard and do my best. It isn't easy. I'm just so ready for this semester to be over! 20 more days!
Sunday, July 8, 2018
I Scare Myself
It's probably the devil sneaking into my head again, feeding me lies and fears and doubts... but sometimes when I ponder on a group of individuals who are special to my heart but who do not currently play a large part in my life (YET!), I'm overflowing with joy and hope and the kind of love that is there but not yet given, but other times I get consumed by these negative thoughts, like "they'll disappoint you", "they're not as great as you make them out to be", "they won't care much about you", "they'll just look at you as a 'friend's friend'", "they'll think you're weird and awkward", "you can't make yourself a part of their friend group", "you don't understand them", "they're too busy with their own lives", "why would they think you're special at all?", "you're just completely delusional", "you can't love them the way you say you can", "everything you've hoped for the past year is a huge mistake of a fantasy", "you're being really ridiculous and dramatic".
I scare myself with these thoughts. I'm scared because if I continue to think them and believe them, they'll only become real, in my head at least, so none of what I hope for can happen. If I continue to worry about myself too much and how I'm presenting myself to them, then the best can't happen. I pray that I wake up in the morning with these fears gone, and that I can live every day leading up to when I get to see them again in a way that is good, healthy, and honoring to the Lord.
I scare myself with these thoughts. I'm scared because if I continue to think them and believe them, they'll only become real, in my head at least, so none of what I hope for can happen. If I continue to worry about myself too much and how I'm presenting myself to them, then the best can't happen. I pray that I wake up in the morning with these fears gone, and that I can live every day leading up to when I get to see them again in a way that is good, healthy, and honoring to the Lord.
Thursday, July 5, 2018
30-Day Challenge Update #2: How I'll Reach My Goals
There are goals I have that I hope to follow so that I'll see a big difference by the end of the month, but I have to know how to reach those goals. I mentioned earlier that it's going to take a lot more than just doing workouts and reading my Bible every day. Those are certainly important, but I've discovered that my main issue that I need to overcome is bad time management and the amount of time I spend on my laptop and phone.
I'm closely keeping track of how I'm spending my time and writing down notes of good things I do to congratulate myself, and not so good things I do so I would do better the next time. But I gotta come up with some sort of plan so I won't end up laying in bed and wasting time on my electronics without really giving thought to what I'm doing. This has been such a stumbling block. I need an "e-tox". That kind of thing is just hard to do when you need your computer for school and your hobbies include blogging and checking Tumblr and Pinterest. Also, I use my phone for everything: making reminders, taking pictures, listening to music, looking up directions, etc. I also text my best friend everything, all the time, but I may need to learn to give that up too, cause it really isn't as necessary as I've made it in my head. I'm gonna take the advice to follow the steps to overcoming my addiction in the articles below. I just really need self-control and self-discipline. I know I can do this, but it's gonna take a lot.
https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-an-Addiction-to-Electronics
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/12-step-e-tox-curb-electronic-device-addiction_n_3936807.html
I'm closely keeping track of how I'm spending my time and writing down notes of good things I do to congratulate myself, and not so good things I do so I would do better the next time. But I gotta come up with some sort of plan so I won't end up laying in bed and wasting time on my electronics without really giving thought to what I'm doing. This has been such a stumbling block. I need an "e-tox". That kind of thing is just hard to do when you need your computer for school and your hobbies include blogging and checking Tumblr and Pinterest. Also, I use my phone for everything: making reminders, taking pictures, listening to music, looking up directions, etc. I also text my best friend everything, all the time, but I may need to learn to give that up too, cause it really isn't as necessary as I've made it in my head. I'm gonna take the advice to follow the steps to overcoming my addiction in the articles below. I just really need self-control and self-discipline. I know I can do this, but it's gonna take a lot.
https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-an-Addiction-to-Electronics
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/12-step-e-tox-curb-electronic-device-addiction_n_3936807.html
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
30-Day Challenge Update #1: The Right Motivation
To be honest, one of the reasons I came up with the idea to do this challenge was so that once I return to Colorado and see the guy I kinda like, I could feel good about myself and present myself as someone he could see himself dating... maybe even marrying (cause that's the whole purpose of dating anyway). I'm trying to do this in a very Christian way, through consistently reading my Bible and taking physical and mental care of myself; not in a way that I'd flaunt myself and care too much about what he thinks about my appearance. That's not what it's about. However, I'm finding that as I get deeper into this challenge, I'm not thinking about doing it for him. I'm thinking about doing this for myself and my well-being, as it should be. I guess that was my motivation all along, because I wanted this guy to see that I'm responsible and take care of myself, but I think maybe God is showing me that I don't need to think about this guy at all. Maybe he's turning my attention toward Him and my health, which is where my attention should be. If it is God's will for this guy to fall for me and for me to fall for him one day, then it'll happen. I just pray that I won't worry about it as much as I have sometimes, and that I'll just let it happen. And if nothing happens, I pray that I'll feel peace and contentment about that too. God's plan is always best, so I should follow it with my eyes on Him the whole time.
As a side note, my first kickboxing class was this morning! It really wasn't bad! Pretty intense and not what I'm used to, since I hardly ever exercise, but boy, I can feel it! I know I'll be very sore in the morning. But this is going to be awesome! I'm not planning on backing out. I got this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)