It's probably the devil sneaking into my head again, feeding me lies and fears and doubts... but sometimes when I ponder on a group of individuals who are special to my heart but who do not currently play a large part in my life (YET!), I'm overflowing with joy and hope and the kind of love that is there but not yet given, but other times I get consumed by these negative thoughts, like "they'll disappoint you", "they're not as great as you make them out to be", "they won't care much about you", "they'll just look at you as a 'friend's friend'", "they'll think you're weird and awkward", "you can't make yourself a part of their friend group", "you don't understand them", "they're too busy with their own lives", "why would they think you're special at all?", "you're just completely delusional", "you can't love them the way you say you can", "everything you've hoped for the past year is a huge mistake of a fantasy", "you're being really ridiculous and dramatic".
I scare myself with these thoughts. I'm scared because if I continue to think them and believe them, they'll only become real, in my head at least, so none of what I hope for can happen. If I continue to worry about myself too much and how I'm presenting myself to them, then the best can't happen. I pray that I wake up in the morning with these fears gone, and that I can live every day leading up to when I get to see them again in a way that is good, healthy, and honoring to the Lord.
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