If I were to be transparent...

If I were to be completely transparent with a person, without trying to sugarcoat anything or respond with a quick "I'm doing fine" so I don't have to think of the right words on the spot, this is what I would say...

I am struggling. Where do I even start? I have been shy and reserved my entire life, for no reason other than my own selfishness and pride. Some of it comes from my parents, I'm sure, seeing as they're both rather reserved people and have never been super involved with the church or community, especially my dad. It's hard not to blame them (mostly my dad) for the way I am now. I'm acting as if there's nothing good about me now and as if I haven't grown at all or learned anything. That is not true, of course. I have come a long way since graduating high school. I should reflect on that more and be more proud of that. But probably for the last year or so, it feels like things have plummeted. Life isn't bad, but I've known for a long time that it wasn't good. Last year I came out of a season that was wild and challenging and crazy, yet so good. God showed me a lot, and I am so grateful for it. But I'll tell you what, since coming out of that season and even throughout that season, I have not walked closely with the Lord. It frustrates me and leads me to a place of resentment towards myself and even towards others and circumstances in my life. My heart is not in a good place. When I'm spending time with the Lord, I can come to a place of feeling like I'm in alignment with Him, which is wonderful, but once I close my Bible and go about my day, it's as if I throw all of that aside and my heart just wanders anywhere BUT where it belongs.

About a year ago, I was traveling with a couple friends in Los Angeles. These friends are both a part of the Pentecostal church, whereas I consider myself to be very much non-denominational. I loved traveling with them, but I found my heart frowning as they spoke about things like giving prophetic words and recognizing signs and images from God. I am a skeptical person, to say the least. I try to be open and understanding to new things, but generally, I think because of how I was raised, I can be pretty skeptical and resistant to unfamiliar ideas. As my friends spoke about prophetic words they were receiving from the Lord and as they worshiped passionately to songs I didn't know at a church we visited in Beverly Hills, I stood there with my mouth shut and my arms crossed, thinking the entire time about how I was in an unfamiliar environment surrounded by rich Instagram millennials, I didn't know any of the songs they were singing, and how my friends felt differently about God than I did and I was worried and frustrated about how they could be wrong, or worse, I could be wrong. That idea made me uncomfortable, and when I'm uncomfortable, I become stubborn and rigid. Obviously not good. Not the direction I'm meant to go in.

I have felt sort of like this throughout the past year. There have been ups and downs, but I feel a lot of disappointment and weariness. Once I started school at Texas State, I almost immediately got plugged into a college ministry. Thanks to God, I had already met a girl from the group the previous spring, so I already had a connection and jumping in wasn't quite as scary. It was great that I found this group so quickly and I have stuck with them over the past year. I'm grateful to have this group in my life because I don't know how much worse I would feel if I hadn't found a Christian group in my first year at the biggest secular school I've ever attended. I have met some wonderful people, and I definitely plan to stick with them until I graduate. However, despite my gratefulness for this group, I reflect on my time with them and I still feel so distant. I'm not PLUGGED IN. I wish I was, but this feeling of standing in the corner or having one foot in and one foot out is a feeling I have dealt with for basically my entire life. I don't really know how to change that. It feels like being standoffish and not totally getting involved is just part of who I am. This cannot be true, I know, but how can I escape this mindset when it has been chasing me my whole life? Do I have this feeling because this is also how my dad has felt his whole life and he unintentionally taught me that this is always how it's going to be and nothing will change? Just a theory. Living with him certainly doesn't help my personal growth. I know I shouldn't use him as an excuse because he takes care of himself and I take care of myself, but his negative attitude towards circumstances and himself are not pleasant to be around. As I see his negative attitude, I think "Is this what I grew up with? Is this the man who raised me? Is this why I deal with negativity, fear and doubt in my own life?" And I become angry and bitter. I think, "I bet I wouldn't be this way if he had led me down a path of faith and fearlessness instead of skepticism and reservedness". Don't get me wrong; my dad is a good dad and he raised me and my siblings well. But I can't say I'm not disappointed. Yes, the past is in the past, except I've been having to live in the same house as him and now that I'm older and have grown and been exposed to bigger and better things, living once again under my dad's roof has been rough. It has been a blessing in so many ways, but many times I find myself wishing I didn't have to be around him like this.

It's not all my dad's fault. Even if I feel that way sometimes, I don't think that's true. The choices we make are up to us, no? So ultimately it comes down to me (although I definitely believe that the environment you're in and the people you surround yourself with totally affects where you're going in life). But so often it feels nearly impossible to control the way I think or how I react to things. With everything going on lately-- COVID-19, Black Lives Matter, increased political tension, and some relational issues in my personal life-- I think I have become more selfish, angry, apathetic, quick to judge, and quick to shut off because I'd rather not deal with conflict (that'll be the Type 9 in me). It's so ironic, seeing as I have been reading the Bible every day for about a month now and I have been yearning for more time and connection with my Heavenly Father. I have grown closer to Him and learned a lot that I knew in the past but forgot about. This is all so great, except I find myself doing the opposite of what the Lord commands of me when I go about my day. What!? I have this image in my head of me having a sit-down with my heart and saying "Girl... WHAT do you think you're doing??" As Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; we are ALL sinners, so it really shouldn't come as a shock to me that I am doing sinful things. It just makes me sad, and mad, because though I know I prayed for a good attitude and the heart of a servant during my shift at work, I think unkind thoughts about some of the customers-- thoughts they don't deserve and certainly not thoughts that Jesus would ever think about His beloved children. And when the barista at the coffee shop takes 10 minutes to make a $6 smoothie that doesn't even taste good, I walk away thinking "What the heck!? I can't believe this happened!", while there are people in third-world countries who would praise God for that smoothie. I am also angered that I'm doing these things because lately I have been hearing some Christians talking about how Christians are the last people to step up and show love when we are supposed to be the first. It's heartbreaking, and I hate finding myself to be a part of that problem. And when I know I'm doing something wrong, I tend to curl up in a corner and have a "leave me alone" or "la la la I'm not listening" attitude, like I did when I was a child. What a selfish and childish thing to do! If I respond to conviction like this; if I respond to the possibility that I may be wrong like this, then where is that gonna get me?

This attitude I've been dealing with has prevented me from being open to so many things, like serving at my church, asking friends for coffee, offering my services to friends or strangers, and the possibility of being a leader through the college ministry or school. All I can say that I'm a work in progress. It doesn't feel good right now and I don't even know what God is doing, but I pray that I will grow in trust and faith in Him. Lord Jesus, I'm gonna need you to break down these walls and tear the control out of my hands. If I want to see transformation happen in my life, then I need to allow that to be a possibility. God's not gonna work with me unless I let Him.

Friends, please pray for the resistance, fear and doubt in my life to be vanquished by the almighty hand of the Father. Even as I pray this, I feed into the lie that it cannot be done.

Where I'm At

Well hello there! Boy oh boy, do I have a lot to talk about. If you're reading this, you'll know that the world is dealing with the COVID-19 Pandemic as well as a new Black Lives Matter movement in the time that I'm writing this. It's all so overwhelming... I could get into how I feel about everything (though I'm still not even sure how I do feel about everything), but I just want to talk about where I'm at personally right now.
Last August, I started my third year of college but my first year at Texas State University. It's been a good experience and I'm grateful for the ability to go there and learn from good people. I have a couple complaints, like it is HOT, especially in the fall, so who knows how many buckets of sweat I have sweated walking around on campus, or even just walking to my car. It can be brutal. My other complaint is that I thought I dodged the "freshman fifteen", but alas, I did not. It caught up with me in my junior year. I went to a community college in San Antonio for my first two years of college so I was living with my aunt and uncle and buying my own food. Like any college student, I would sometimes resort to a quick stop at McDonald's, get a couple boxes of Kraft mac n' cheese from the store, or munch on pretzels in the middle of the night, but I learned valuable things about taking care of my body and getting healthy things from the store. Now, I'm living with my parents so I just eat the food they get, and there are lots of food options on campus. The dining halls are danger zones! I have no idea what limiting my food intake means once I step through that door. So I am now around 10-15 lbs. heavier than I was last summer. I've got a gut and a butt, guys! Not that I haven't had those my entire life, but I was on my way to feeling and looking healthier. Oh well. This is a bump in the road. We can move forward from here.
Since the pandemic really blew up and since we were all asked to stay home and distance ourselves from other people (which was and still is overkill, if you ask me), life has definitely been different. It was great not having to use up a bunch of gas to go to school or work for the rest of the semester and it was great just being able to stay home and get things done that I couldn't have gotten done otherwise. I think it was very nice for the first couple of months. I didn't have as much structure to each day, but I still had the responsibility of doing my classes online which kept me on the right track and allowed me to still consistently learn.
Here are some good things that happened: My mom and I planted wildflower seeds in the backyard which have now grown far taller than we thought they'd grow (and they still haven't bloomed!). I got a new little potted plant in my room that I named Cheshire. He's a lovely chap and he lives by my window. My mom and I also baked a lot. We made homemade sourdough for the first time ever. Yummy! Besides the art I had to do for my art class, I practiced some digital art which was really fun! I found some fascinating podcasts to listen to. I re-watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy, which was a beautiful experience, and soon after that I finally read The Fellowship of the Ring! It was a lovely experience, especially the times when I sat in my reading corner or on my bed and turned on the soundtrack to the Lord of the Rings movies to play while I read (it really completes the experience). I retrieved my copy of The Two Towers while I was visiting family last week, so I hope to be starting that soon. My plan was to read a bunch during this time, but of course that didn't work out. Phooey.
So, there have been quite a few good things that have come out of being in "quarantine", as we like to call it, even though we're not really in quarantine. However, it has been negative in some ways, too. As an introvert, not having to be around people is wonderful. But, after a while, it takes a toll. Even for a shy person like me, I know how vital community and social interaction is. Without it, we can easily lose our way, become lonely, and have no one to help us and hold us accountable. If I'm being honest, I was struggling with this even before this whole pandemic. Things are different at Texas State. I plugged myself into a college ministry and a women's community group which I'm grateful for, but I have found myself struggling no matter what. Outside of the college ministry, small groups in classes, people I work with in the theatre shops, and friends, I talk to nobody. I keep to myself. There are times when I'm eating lunch with a friend or we're walking to class together, but most of the time I'm taking the bus around campus by myself, getting a bite to eat by myself, and waiting out in the hall for class to start by myself. I think this has possibly made me more apathetic, anti-social and introspective. I don't really mind being around people, and it's usually fine if someone starts talking to me, but I think I prefer to just be by myself. I have fallen deeper into this mindset since quarantine started. I think, unless I'm just convincing myself that there's something wrong with me when there really isn't, that I have become more socially anxious and awkward, and increasingly anti-social. My space bubble has probably also expanded. What has also made me feel more this way is the conflict going on in the world. It makes me angry, worried, and scared. I just don't really want to deal with things, especially not people, especially if they feel very differently or more passionately than I do. It's intense, and it's getting me down. On top of this, I have been quite unmotivated since school ended a few weeks ago, and I have nothing planned for this summer besides one class in July and a potential trip to Hawaii in August (yay!). So where am I in life right now? I feel like fat Thor from Avengers: Endgame.

Yep, that's me. Lazy, fat, sad, unmotivated, and apathetic. Today I was planning on finally doing a workout, and I'm still planning on it, but I have not been feeling too well this afternoon. Energy level: zero. Motivation level: zero. The stomach pain and headaches decided that this was their day. Oof. But here's the good news: I'm having a video chat with a counselor recommended to me by one of my good friends later this evening. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure it will be good. To anybody who may be reading this: Please pray for me. Life is pretty weird right now and I just hope I can work to get on top of things and learn to live each day joyfully, which is hard to do right now. Everyone needs a lot of prayer right now.