2017 Reflection

Here we are, the last day of 2017. So many things have happened in this year alone. 2016 was a big year for me; probably the biggest in my life at that time, but 2017 has been a continuation of the change and craziness that took over my life. Because it is New Years Eve, I feel the need to reflect on all the things from the past year that have caused me to become the person I am today. In 2016, basically everything changed for me.  I finished up my senior year of high school and graduated, and then suddenly we were moving out of the house that I grew and matured in for seven years of my life. My parents and my brother moved down to Texas, a place I never ever thought we would end up living, and I spent a good chunk of the summer figuring out myself and what I was supposed to do with my life. In the fall of 2016, I found myself at Ravencrest, a place I would be for the next eight months. To be as brief as I can, going to Ravencrest changed my life. It changed my relationship with God, it gave me more knowledge of what I believe and why I believe it, and it showed me how precious people and how I can love them the way Jesus wants me to. By the end of my year at Ravencrest, I hadn’t totally seen how much I had changed, but I knew it had changed me somehow and it was evident to other people, and that was all that mattered. I was baptized, which of course was a joyful and celebratory happening, but by the time we were done for the year, I was a bit burned out and I wasn’t quite as emotional and sentimental about leaving as I thought I would be. I entered into the summer hoping that I would take everything that I had learned with me and live out this newness in me, but it turned out to be another somewhat disappointing summer; disappointing because I was disappointed in myself. Because of that, I almost don’t count this summer as a significant part of my year. It was like I jumped, thinking that I would be ready to fly, but I fell instead. I fell, but I didn’t hit the ground. I found my wings again when I went on DC Talk’s reunion cruise with my siblings. After that cruise, I was left with a newfound love for DC Talk and each of the members’ personal testimonies of Jesus Christ in their lives. I was so inspired and drawn to the Lord once again. There was a day in July when I drove up to a vacant parking lot that overlooked a bit of the city.  I brought my Bible and Christian music with me with the intent of having a “date” with God, which I have never been good at since I’m so bad at focusing on what I’m saying to God and what He’s saying to me. There was a moment though when I remember thinking to myself with tears in my eyes, “I’m scared”, referring to my uncertain future. A moment after, there was a simple, quiet answer, which was, “I know”. And what a profound answer that is! I was reminded in that instant that Jesus knows our pain and fear more than we may ever understand. He lived and died as a human being. He willingly sacrificed himself to save us from sin, and we often forget how much pain and fear he was dealing with in those hours before his death on the cross, even though he knew how great the outcome would be. That moment didn’t miraculously make me brave, but it is an important moment that I have kept with me through the rest of the year. Fast forward to when I moved to Texas. I knew that moving to Texas would mean living differently than I had before and facing some new and scary things, but I also kinda had no idea what I was doing. I just took what came my way and tried to handle it the best way I knew how. One of those things that came my way was the grand opportunity to work backstage at The San Antonio Playhouse. I won’t get too specific about it, but it was an answer to prayer and a dream come true in many ways. I got to do exactly what I wanted to do, which was being a dresser, I got to meet and fall in love with the cast and crew, and that taught me more about loving people as Jesus does, I got to learn more about theatre and even get my foot in the door in the San Antonio theatre community, and I learned more about myself and my value, which built me up and gave me so much confidence in myself and my future. I’ve never felt as loved and appreciated as they make me feel at work. God has given me this incredible, dream-come-true experience (which I do not deserve, by the way. God is simply so good.) in order to glorify him, and that’s what I really want. I’ve felt less afraid to share myself and my faith, and I’m more eager to share what I feel and believe. God has changed me and shaped me in miraculous ways all for His glory. I did not get here on my own. Thank you God for 2017. I can’t wait to see what you’ll make happen in 2018! Lord, please remind me to lift it all up to you. All the glory goes to you, Father!

WAR

Another opportunity missed. Another relationship barely touched. Another person out of my life without an affect on them from me. And another. And another. They just keep coming and going. That has been my whole life. Well, I can't have that anymore. I CANNOT continue to live this way; pretending like I don't see them in the corner of my eye, like I can't overhear their conversation, like I don't have a clue and I'm just an "extra in a movie". As much as I think I can and often would like to, I can't slip in and out of people's hearts and minds and lines of sight. So often I pretend like I'm simply an observer of the world; like I'm watching life on a TV set, and no one knows I'm there. What a stupid thing to believe! I can't continue to live like a silent shadow... I can't keep on believing that it's okay that I ignore these people or take them for granted because "someone else will take care of them". Why not me? I have a job to do and I've been ignoring it out of selfishness and a desire to stay within my comfort zone. Not that God can't work without me, because He absolutely can, but I've always dreamed of being someone, right? So why is being someone and having a place in the world such a crazy, too-good-to-be-true idea for me? Why haven't I realized that I can in fact do great things and be an important part of people's lives until now? And why is it so hard to believe? There has been a war waging inside of me between taking people for granted and not stopping to truly love them and pour myself out in their lives, and refusing to be on the sidelines of people's lives and wanting to dig as deep as I can into my relationships with them. Each opportunity I get to talk to someone, to really listen, to empathize, to connect, to bond, is a battle, and I'm afraid I can think of more battles that I've lost than I've won throughout these past couple months. I try to make up for those losses with nice written notes or lengthy social media posts, but no matter how truthful or sentimental I might make them, they just don't add up to what I really desire: a genuine human connection. I can't keep losing these battles, and I can't keep settling for what's easier. I will win this war, even if it lasts my whole life long.

When Dreams Are Closer Than You Think

My dreams of working in theatre are happening right now. I realized that I would be happy working at any theatre, but God has been good and has given me more than I deserve and he's given it to me sooner than I expected. I'm currently working at The Playhouse San Antonio on their production (the Texas premeire!) of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It's a small theatre, and it's one of the only professional ones in all of San Antonio. It's professional, meaning the director actually has experience, knows what he's doing and is serious about what he is doing, the members of the creative team are incredibly creative and extremely hard-working, and the actors know how to really act and have amazing vocal talents. I got a little taste of working on real theatre productions in high school, but this is so many steps up from where I started in high school. I was almost thrown into this opportunity. I actually wasn't the one who found out about this job or even applied there. A woman from the school district called me about finding a community work-study job and brought up a job opening at The Playhouse for a box office attendant. I said, "Sure, why not?", went in, interviewed with the director, told him what I was interested it, he asked if I'd like to do costumes and wardrobe for the show, I said absolutely yes, and now I'm here. I just can't believe it! I haven't yet been able to wrap my head around what is happening in my life right now.

I LOVE my job. Probably more than I can express. Yes, it gets crazy and it will always be crazy. Sometimes I'll have to wait on actors hand and foot. I have to rush around a lot. I have to take and highlight dozens of notes. I have to know cues and timing. I might have to mend costumes with the very little amount of sewing/costuming experience I have. I have to handle costumes completely soaked by sweat and slobber. But I absolutely love it. What makes it all worth it for me is knowing that I'm helping people, knowing that I'm playing a part in making a magical experience for the audience, and getting to work with all the incredible people around me, who are extraordinarily creative, hard-working, talented, and also just super fun and fulfilling to be around. But listen, the work I'm doing now isn't much compared to a lot of the work that goes into these productions. I'm just a work-study student/intern. I'm just there to fill in some gaps, even though those gaps may be important. I am working hard and helping as much as I can, and it is scary and exhausting sometimes, but I am so up for a bigger challenge. It would be amazing if I ever got the opportunity to work at any other professional theatre, but right now, The Playhouse is where I want to stay. It has become a special place to me over the short period of time I've worked there because of the people, the experience I'm gaining, and the memories I'm making.

Some other things I love about doing this is when the actors acknowledge my work and the crew's work. Acknowledging the crew in general is one thing, but I am so pleased and joyful when actors or others working on the show acknowledge ME and MY work. I can't tell you how much that means to me. The actor I'm the dresser for is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. He never lets me forget how grateful he is for my help. The costume coordinator I work under has told me multiple times that I'm doing great and she's proud of me. The director, who can be harsh and demanding, has told me I'm doing a good job. The stage managers I work alongside are inspiring in their work and persistence and they know that I'm working hard and doing a good job. The actors in general regularly thank me for my work, which, as someone who still gets starstruck over actors and characters like a little girl, is everything I could wish for. What an honor it is to be working with and helping Quasimodo, Esmeralda, Phoebus and Frollo, and to be thanked by these incredible actors is truly a privilege! At my other jobs, I was just mediocre. I was an "okay" employee. I got fired from my last job because I wasn't improving very much, which honestly kind of scarred me and left me thinking I don't have what it takes to be a good worker. So to hear that I'm doing a good job in the industry I'm passionate about lifts my spirits and brings me so much hope and joy. What I also love about this job is that now I have connections with people in the industry, and that could possibly lead to a whole lot of opportunities.

My dreams are coming true. I just wish my friends and family were around to see it. My family and some of my friends get to hear about it, but there's not really anyone. I was trying to think of people to invite to the show and bring with me to the opening show's reception, but I don't have friends around here. It's just me. I tried sharing things about it on Facebook, but it seems like no one saw any of that. Wondering how I'll make friends in this new place is a whole different topic though... It's just, my dreams are coming true, and I want people to know that so they can know that their dreams can come true too. It just takes passion, ambition, hard work, and perseverance. Dreams DO come true, and sometimes they can be just around the corner when you don't expect it.

53 Hours until the Future

There are 53 hours until I leave my home state to find a new adventure in another state. In those 53 hours, I will be emptying the lovely little bedroom I've called home for the past fourteen months of all my belongings, boxing up what I find most essential to take with me, and saying goodbye to my dearest friends. It didn't hit me until I sat down a minute ago and wrote a very detailed to-do list of everything I will need to do in those 53 hours. I won't be living in Colorado anymore. This is the part of the story I imagined when I was younger, even just a couple years younger, where something happens in my life that changes the plot or moves the story in a different direction. This is it. And because of that, I must make the most of every opportunity now, otherwise it'd be one long, boring, drawn-out story. I ask myself what would happen if I decided to stay in Colorado, and my answer is "nothing". I'd live the same old life in the place I know so well and am far too comfortable in; my life would flatline. I feel strongly that staying here any longer is not in my plan, and Texas is a flashing neon sign bidding me to come. So onward I go. This is the turning point. God only knows what's up ahead.

CHANGE

Um, hi! I'm not sure there's much of a point to write this because I'm not sure anyone is even going to read this, but hey, why not?

I don't even know where to start. So much has changed. But I'll try to stick to a similar format as my last post.

1. Ravencrest
I have been at Ravencrest for the past eight months. It has been absolutely wonderful. I have learned so, so much, and things that I thought I already knew have been made even more known to me. It's incredible and amazing how God has worked in me throughout these eight months. I simply can't explain it, but I have been changed and I hope to leave Ravencrest as a new person. I want to act on everything I have learned, instead of knowing what I should do and only watching other people do things and wish that I could be like them while not even thinking to leave my comfort zone. That's how I've always been, but this can and must change NOW.

2. Summer
My plans for this summer are to find a job-- possibly two-- and earn money for my necessities, college, and a few other things. I need to make a summer bucket list, and on that list would be scrapbooking, sewing, swimming, drawing, reading, and all that jazz. One definite plan this summer is to go on a cruise to the Bahamas with my darling brother and sister, which is pretty weird since cruises are kinda a luxury, but yay! I honestly don't know how I feel about going on a cruise because it feels like I don't need to do something as extravagant as that, but I guess I better enjoy it!

3. Texas
A year ago at this time, things with the move were crazy. All of the sudden my family was moving to Texas, and I wanted to stay in Colorado because I couldn't leave everything behind. Oh, how the tables have turned. I now believe that my life awaits beyond the borders of Colorado. I love Texas like it's a magical fantasy land, and I'm gonna live there, starting later this summer.

4. College
I'll obviously be attending a college in Texas since I'm moving there. A four-year university like I've always planned on? Surely not a community college! Yes, a community college. See, things have changed. I'll probably be going to Northwest Vista College in San Antonio to study Theatre Design. Why a community college? Well, as far as a major goes, I'm pretty much totally set on the Theatre Arts. But I want to leave time and room for different options, because there are so many different directions I could go in life, and I want to be flexible about God's plan for me. I really don't know what will happen in the next five years, but I'm good with only planning the next few months. And let me just say: HIGH SCHOOLERS! YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE! COLLEGE COUNSELORS ARE OVERRATED! DON'T STRESS BECAUSE HERE'S A SECRET: COLLEGE ISN'T ALL THAT MATTERS! Yeah. So I'm actually really excited to see where God will lead me (that is, if I let him, which I really want to), especially since I'm much more open about things than I was before. Change is definitely scary, but it's exciting and kinda wonderful! Change is just life. The more change, the more living!

5. Living Situations
Ever since we moved out of our house, I've been living with my Gran. Gran's house is presently home base. But for a majority of the past eight months, I've been living up at Ravencrest with three lovely roommates. And my parents' home in Texas is kind of a temporary/future kind of home... it's complicated. So I kinda have three homes right now. I'll be in a similar situation once I actually move to Texas. My home base will be my parents' house. My part-time home will be with my Aunt and Uncle, who live 15 minutes away from the college campus (so I don't have to commute an hour and a half both ways every day). And Gran's house will return to being "Gran's house", but a lot of my belongings will probably stay with her instead of coming with me to Texas. I have quite a lot of thinks I don't need to bring with me.

6. Love Life
Just kidding, I still don't have a love life. (Hey, I'm okay with that. All in God's timing, y'all)