Last August, I started my third year of college but my first year at Texas State University. It's been a good experience and I'm grateful for the ability to go there and learn from good people. I have a couple complaints, like it is HOT, especially in the fall, so who knows how many buckets of sweat I have sweated walking around on campus, or even just walking to my car. It can be brutal. My other complaint is that I thought I dodged the "freshman fifteen", but alas, I did not. It caught up with me in my junior year. I went to a community college in San Antonio for my first two years of college so I was living with my aunt and uncle and buying my own food. Like any college student, I would sometimes resort to a quick stop at McDonald's, get a couple boxes of Kraft mac n' cheese from the store, or munch on pretzels in the middle of the night, but I learned valuable things about taking care of my body and getting healthy things from the store. Now, I'm living with my parents so I just eat the food they get, and there are lots of food options on campus. The dining halls are danger zones! I have no idea what limiting my food intake means once I step through that door. So I am now around 10-15 lbs. heavier than I was last summer. I've got a gut and a butt, guys! Not that I haven't had those my entire life, but I was on my way to feeling and looking healthier. Oh well. This is a bump in the road. We can move forward from here.
Since the pandemic really blew up and since we were all asked to stay home and distance ourselves from other people (which was and still is overkill, if you ask me), life has definitely been different. It was great not having to use up a bunch of gas to go to school or work for the rest of the semester and it was great just being able to stay home and get things done that I couldn't have gotten done otherwise. I think it was very nice for the first couple of months. I didn't have as much structure to each day, but I still had the responsibility of doing my classes online which kept me on the right track and allowed me to still consistently learn.
Here are some good things that happened: My mom and I planted wildflower seeds in the backyard which have now grown far taller than we thought they'd grow (and they still haven't bloomed!). I got a new little potted plant in my room that I named Cheshire. He's a lovely chap and he lives by my window. My mom and I also baked a lot. We made homemade sourdough for the first time ever. Yummy! Besides the art I had to do for my art class, I practiced some digital art which was really fun! I found some fascinating podcasts to listen to. I re-watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy, which was a beautiful experience, and soon after that I finally read The Fellowship of the Ring! It was a lovely experience, especially the times when I sat in my reading corner or on my bed and turned on the soundtrack to the Lord of the Rings movies to play while I read (it really completes the experience). I retrieved my copy of The Two Towers while I was visiting family last week, so I hope to be starting that soon. My plan was to read a bunch during this time, but of course that didn't work out. Phooey.
So, there have been quite a few good things that have come out of being in "quarantine", as we like to call it, even though we're not really in quarantine. However, it has been negative in some ways, too. As an introvert, not having to be around people is wonderful. But, after a while, it takes a toll. Even for a shy person like me, I know how vital community and social interaction is. Without it, we can easily lose our way, become lonely, and have no one to help us and hold us accountable. If I'm being honest, I was struggling with this even before this whole pandemic. Things are different at Texas State. I plugged myself into a college ministry and a women's community group which I'm grateful for, but I have found myself struggling no matter what. Outside of the college ministry, small groups in classes, people I work with in the theatre shops, and friends, I talk to nobody. I keep to myself. There are times when I'm eating lunch with a friend or we're walking to class together, but most of the time I'm taking the bus around campus by myself, getting a bite to eat by myself, and waiting out in the hall for class to start by myself. I think this has possibly made me more apathetic, anti-social and introspective. I don't really mind being around people, and it's usually fine if someone starts talking to me, but I think I prefer to just be by myself. I have fallen deeper into this mindset since quarantine started. I think, unless I'm just convincing myself that there's something wrong with me when there really isn't, that I have become more socially anxious and awkward, and increasingly anti-social. My space bubble has probably also expanded. What has also made me feel more this way is the conflict going on in the world. It makes me angry, worried, and scared. I just don't really want to deal with things, especially not people, especially if they feel very differently or more passionately than I do. It's intense, and it's getting me down. On top of this, I have been quite unmotivated since school ended a few weeks ago, and I have nothing planned for this summer besides one class in July and a potential trip to Hawaii in August (yay!). So where am I in life right now? I feel like fat Thor from Avengers: Endgame.
Yep, that's me. Lazy, fat, sad, unmotivated, and apathetic. Today I was planning on finally doing a workout, and I'm still planning on it, but I have not been feeling too well this afternoon. Energy level: zero. Motivation level: zero. The stomach pain and headaches decided that this was their day. Oof. But here's the good news: I'm having a video chat with a counselor recommended to me by one of my good friends later this evening. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure it will be good. To anybody who may be reading this: Please pray for me. Life is pretty weird right now and I just hope I can work to get on top of things and learn to live each day joyfully, which is hard to do right now. Everyone needs a lot of prayer right now.
