If I were to be transparent...

If I were to be completely transparent with a person, without trying to sugarcoat anything or respond with a quick "I'm doing fine" so I don't have to think of the right words on the spot, this is what I would say...

I am struggling. Where do I even start? I have been shy and reserved my entire life, for no reason other than my own selfishness and pride. Some of it comes from my parents, I'm sure, seeing as they're both rather reserved people and have never been super involved with the church or community, especially my dad. It's hard not to blame them (mostly my dad) for the way I am now. I'm acting as if there's nothing good about me now and as if I haven't grown at all or learned anything. That is not true, of course. I have come a long way since graduating high school. I should reflect on that more and be more proud of that. But probably for the last year or so, it feels like things have plummeted. Life isn't bad, but I've known for a long time that it wasn't good. Last year I came out of a season that was wild and challenging and crazy, yet so good. God showed me a lot, and I am so grateful for it. But I'll tell you what, since coming out of that season and even throughout that season, I have not walked closely with the Lord. It frustrates me and leads me to a place of resentment towards myself and even towards others and circumstances in my life. My heart is not in a good place. When I'm spending time with the Lord, I can come to a place of feeling like I'm in alignment with Him, which is wonderful, but once I close my Bible and go about my day, it's as if I throw all of that aside and my heart just wanders anywhere BUT where it belongs.

About a year ago, I was traveling with a couple friends in Los Angeles. These friends are both a part of the Pentecostal church, whereas I consider myself to be very much non-denominational. I loved traveling with them, but I found my heart frowning as they spoke about things like giving prophetic words and recognizing signs and images from God. I am a skeptical person, to say the least. I try to be open and understanding to new things, but generally, I think because of how I was raised, I can be pretty skeptical and resistant to unfamiliar ideas. As my friends spoke about prophetic words they were receiving from the Lord and as they worshiped passionately to songs I didn't know at a church we visited in Beverly Hills, I stood there with my mouth shut and my arms crossed, thinking the entire time about how I was in an unfamiliar environment surrounded by rich Instagram millennials, I didn't know any of the songs they were singing, and how my friends felt differently about God than I did and I was worried and frustrated about how they could be wrong, or worse, I could be wrong. That idea made me uncomfortable, and when I'm uncomfortable, I become stubborn and rigid. Obviously not good. Not the direction I'm meant to go in.

I have felt sort of like this throughout the past year. There have been ups and downs, but I feel a lot of disappointment and weariness. Once I started school at Texas State, I almost immediately got plugged into a college ministry. Thanks to God, I had already met a girl from the group the previous spring, so I already had a connection and jumping in wasn't quite as scary. It was great that I found this group so quickly and I have stuck with them over the past year. I'm grateful to have this group in my life because I don't know how much worse I would feel if I hadn't found a Christian group in my first year at the biggest secular school I've ever attended. I have met some wonderful people, and I definitely plan to stick with them until I graduate. However, despite my gratefulness for this group, I reflect on my time with them and I still feel so distant. I'm not PLUGGED IN. I wish I was, but this feeling of standing in the corner or having one foot in and one foot out is a feeling I have dealt with for basically my entire life. I don't really know how to change that. It feels like being standoffish and not totally getting involved is just part of who I am. This cannot be true, I know, but how can I escape this mindset when it has been chasing me my whole life? Do I have this feeling because this is also how my dad has felt his whole life and he unintentionally taught me that this is always how it's going to be and nothing will change? Just a theory. Living with him certainly doesn't help my personal growth. I know I shouldn't use him as an excuse because he takes care of himself and I take care of myself, but his negative attitude towards circumstances and himself are not pleasant to be around. As I see his negative attitude, I think "Is this what I grew up with? Is this the man who raised me? Is this why I deal with negativity, fear and doubt in my own life?" And I become angry and bitter. I think, "I bet I wouldn't be this way if he had led me down a path of faith and fearlessness instead of skepticism and reservedness". Don't get me wrong; my dad is a good dad and he raised me and my siblings well. But I can't say I'm not disappointed. Yes, the past is in the past, except I've been having to live in the same house as him and now that I'm older and have grown and been exposed to bigger and better things, living once again under my dad's roof has been rough. It has been a blessing in so many ways, but many times I find myself wishing I didn't have to be around him like this.

It's not all my dad's fault. Even if I feel that way sometimes, I don't think that's true. The choices we make are up to us, no? So ultimately it comes down to me (although I definitely believe that the environment you're in and the people you surround yourself with totally affects where you're going in life). But so often it feels nearly impossible to control the way I think or how I react to things. With everything going on lately-- COVID-19, Black Lives Matter, increased political tension, and some relational issues in my personal life-- I think I have become more selfish, angry, apathetic, quick to judge, and quick to shut off because I'd rather not deal with conflict (that'll be the Type 9 in me). It's so ironic, seeing as I have been reading the Bible every day for about a month now and I have been yearning for more time and connection with my Heavenly Father. I have grown closer to Him and learned a lot that I knew in the past but forgot about. This is all so great, except I find myself doing the opposite of what the Lord commands of me when I go about my day. What!? I have this image in my head of me having a sit-down with my heart and saying "Girl... WHAT do you think you're doing??" As Romans 3:23 says, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; we are ALL sinners, so it really shouldn't come as a shock to me that I am doing sinful things. It just makes me sad, and mad, because though I know I prayed for a good attitude and the heart of a servant during my shift at work, I think unkind thoughts about some of the customers-- thoughts they don't deserve and certainly not thoughts that Jesus would ever think about His beloved children. And when the barista at the coffee shop takes 10 minutes to make a $6 smoothie that doesn't even taste good, I walk away thinking "What the heck!? I can't believe this happened!", while there are people in third-world countries who would praise God for that smoothie. I am also angered that I'm doing these things because lately I have been hearing some Christians talking about how Christians are the last people to step up and show love when we are supposed to be the first. It's heartbreaking, and I hate finding myself to be a part of that problem. And when I know I'm doing something wrong, I tend to curl up in a corner and have a "leave me alone" or "la la la I'm not listening" attitude, like I did when I was a child. What a selfish and childish thing to do! If I respond to conviction like this; if I respond to the possibility that I may be wrong like this, then where is that gonna get me?

This attitude I've been dealing with has prevented me from being open to so many things, like serving at my church, asking friends for coffee, offering my services to friends or strangers, and the possibility of being a leader through the college ministry or school. All I can say that I'm a work in progress. It doesn't feel good right now and I don't even know what God is doing, but I pray that I will grow in trust and faith in Him. Lord Jesus, I'm gonna need you to break down these walls and tear the control out of my hands. If I want to see transformation happen in my life, then I need to allow that to be a possibility. God's not gonna work with me unless I let Him.

Friends, please pray for the resistance, fear and doubt in my life to be vanquished by the almighty hand of the Father. Even as I pray this, I feed into the lie that it cannot be done.