WAR

Another opportunity missed. Another relationship barely touched. Another person out of my life without an affect on them from me. And another. And another. They just keep coming and going. That has been my whole life. Well, I can't have that anymore. I CANNOT continue to live this way; pretending like I don't see them in the corner of my eye, like I can't overhear their conversation, like I don't have a clue and I'm just an "extra in a movie". As much as I think I can and often would like to, I can't slip in and out of people's hearts and minds and lines of sight. So often I pretend like I'm simply an observer of the world; like I'm watching life on a TV set, and no one knows I'm there. What a stupid thing to believe! I can't continue to live like a silent shadow... I can't keep on believing that it's okay that I ignore these people or take them for granted because "someone else will take care of them". Why not me? I have a job to do and I've been ignoring it out of selfishness and a desire to stay within my comfort zone. Not that God can't work without me, because He absolutely can, but I've always dreamed of being someone, right? So why is being someone and having a place in the world such a crazy, too-good-to-be-true idea for me? Why haven't I realized that I can in fact do great things and be an important part of people's lives until now? And why is it so hard to believe? There has been a war waging inside of me between taking people for granted and not stopping to truly love them and pour myself out in their lives, and refusing to be on the sidelines of people's lives and wanting to dig as deep as I can into my relationships with them. Each opportunity I get to talk to someone, to really listen, to empathize, to connect, to bond, is a battle, and I'm afraid I can think of more battles that I've lost than I've won throughout these past couple months. I try to make up for those losses with nice written notes or lengthy social media posts, but no matter how truthful or sentimental I might make them, they just don't add up to what I really desire: a genuine human connection. I can't keep losing these battles, and I can't keep settling for what's easier. I will win this war, even if it lasts my whole life long.